In this episode, Relando discusses the importance of checking in on the “strong” friends in our lives who always support everyone else. He shares practical tips on offering real help, including listening without judgment. He also talks directly to the “strong” friends, affirming that they deserve the same level of care and attention that they so often provide to others.
He reminds them to practice self-care, set boundaries, and reach out for help when they need it. Relando emphasizes that we all need community, and asking for support is a sign of strength, not weakness.
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Transcript:
Thank you for choosing the Notes from an Aspiring Humanitarian podcast. I’m your host, Relando Thompkins-Jones.
Oppression thrives in isolation, and being in community with others offers solutions to many of the problems we face. It provides answers to the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness that may arise in the face of oppression. It can ground us in our why and remind us that we are connected to work and causes that are much larger than ourselves.
Being in community with others can also remind us of all the ways leveraging our combined strengths can produce outcomes that we couldn’t possibly accomplish alone. Whenever I work with any organization, I always ask “who helps the helpers? Who cares for the caretakers?” I’ve said this before, and I know it to be true. People with marginalized identities put in major work in companies, organizations, and institutions, making space for themselves and the ones who will come after them in environments that didn’t have them in mind when they were first created. And in fact, these same environments are often resistant to the equity that they’re working to bring about.
This work can be exhausting and come with lots of pressure from massive expectations, feelings of responsibility, and if we’re not careful, unmet needs that can lead to burnout. Today’s note is about connection. In particular, it’s about checking in on your strong friends. And I say that in quotations, but It’s really about checking in on those strong people in your life and in this work. And you know who they are.
The ones who are like the glue that holds people and relationships together. The ones who often hold space for others and sit with difficult emotions and experiences providing support, advice, connections. The ones who consistently show up for others in times of need.
Now, are you the “strong” friend? You deserve the same space held for you as you hold for others. You deserve the same grace to be given to you as you give to others.
So in today’s note, I’ll share a few ways to check in on your strong friends. I’ll also share ideas for ways to reach out if you’re the strong friend and are in need of support.
Checking in on your strong friends is crucial because although they may often appear resilient and it may often seem as if they have it all together, they might be struggling silently. So here are some thoughtful ways to check in.
Direct Communication
Sometimes, a simple, direct message asking how they are really feeling can open up the door for them to share. Phrases like, “I’ve been thinking about you and wanted to check in”, or “How are you really doing?” can show genuine concern.
Offer Specific Support
So instead of making a general offer to help or saying, “hey, let me know if you need anything”, you can start by suggesting specific ways that you can support them. So this might require you thinking about, what your individual capacity is in that moment, and what it is that you’re actually capable of doing before offering that.
It’s helpful to offer specific ways that you can support the person. It’s also helpful to think about what is it that you know about the person that you’re trying to support? What are some things that you might know that they need already?, what kinds of activities they might enjoy or find relaxing, or even if there are certain connections or resources that they might need.
Take a few moments to think about what is it that’s in your capacity to do at this time and what is something that you might be able to provide for them and offer to them, and share that with them. Like all things, there’s communication there, so there may be a thing that you might think is helpful that you might offer as a means of support. And after communication with them, you might find that actually, nope, that’s not something that helps them.
And that’s okay too. Being open to communication and hearing that, you know, Hey, yes, this is something that is helpful to me in this time, or actually, no, that’s not something that I need in this moment. If the goal is really to help that person, which if you’re listening to today’s note, that is the intent that you have.
Listen Without Judgment
Create space for them to share their feelings safely and without fear of judgment. Sometimes they just might need someone to listen and not to offer solutions, but just listening. Listening is very powerful.
Share Your Own Vulnerabilities
Sometimes opening up about your own struggles can support others in feeling comfortable with sharing theirs. It can go a long way towards breaking down the facade that everyone has it together all the time. It’s really important.
Regular Check-Ins
Make it a point to regularly reach out, not just during times of crisis or when you might sense something might be wrong. What is consistent communication? That’s another aspect that involves, communication between you and the person you’re checking in on. For some folks, consistency and communication might mean checking in regularly for others.
It might mean quarterly. It’s really about thinking about what is most helpful to the person that I’m trying to support. And responding to that need.
Encourage Professional Support
If you notice signs that they might be dealing with something beyond the normal scope of support that you can provide, gently suggest seeking professional help. It’s really important to also know what is within your scope and sphere to do and then what might require more resources than you currently have at the time.
Engage in Activities Together
So, sometimes direct questions about how someone is feeling can be overwhelming depending on who they are. So engaging in activities together can provide a less intense environment for them to open up.
Acknowledge their Strengths While Emphasizing that It’s Okay to Not Be Okay
Let them know that being strong doesn’t mean they have to be strong all the time. Remind them that it’s okay to have moments of vulnerability and that it doesn’t take away from their strength.
Be Patient
Understand that they might not be ready to open up immediately. Let them know you’re there whenever they’re ready to talk. It’s really okay to recognize that they might not be ready to open up right now, but just knowing that you’re there can go a long way towards creating that environment where, hey, when they are ready they may return.
Send Thoughtful Reminders
Small gestures like sending a motivational quote, a song, or a funny meme can remind them that you’re thinking of them and that they’re not alone.
Encourage Self-Care
Remind them of the importance of taking care of themselves and not just others. This can include encouraging them to take breaks, get back into hobbies, artistic pursuits, or simply get some rest.
Be Present
Sometimes just knowing someone is there and willing to spend time with them, even in silence can be comforting.
Checking in on your strong friends can show them that they don’t always have to be the caretaker and that it’s okay to lean on others for support. Your efforts to reach out can make a significant difference in their lives in this period of time that they are experiencing.
But there’s something else I want to talk about. In particular, for those of us out there who are the “strong” friends. And again, I’m using quotation marks for that.
Being the “strong” friend often means you’re the go-to person for others in times of need. But if you’re not careful, it can also leave you feeling overlooked when it comes to your own support needs. So if you’re the strong friend out there for those folks who are, here are some things you can think about to ensure that you’re also cared for.
Communicate Your Needs
Open up to your friends or family about your feelings and the fact that you, too, need support.
People might assume you’re always okay because you might project strength, so telling them directly can help change this perception.
Set Boundaries
It’s okay to say no or not always be available to others if you’re feeling overwhelmed or need time for yourself. Setting healthy boundaries is essential for your well-being.
Seek Professional Support
A therapist can provide a space where you’re not the strong one, and you can freely express your vulnerabilities, fears, and challenges without judgment. It is important to identify and seek out a therapist that is culturally responsive, that is aware of systems of oppression, that is in conversation with themselves and others about how their identities and their experiences, and their relationship and connection to power, to privilege, and oppression influences their decision making.
It’s really important particularly to seek out a therapist that is very aware of how they’re located in terms of society and how again, their experiences, their relationship to power and privilege and oppression influences their decision-making, the systems they interact with et cetera.
Really important. I want to stress that when it comes to seeking out therapy.
Cultivate Self-Care Practices
Prioritize activities that replenish your energy and bring you joy, whether that’s through hobbies, exercise, meditation, or simply relaxing. Self-care is crucial for maintaining your mental health.
Build a Reciprocal Support System
Try to foster relationships with people who understand the importance of mutual support. Friendships should not be one sided. Relationships should not be one-sided. Look for friends who are willing to give back the support that you offer in some way.
Practice Self-Compassion
Remind yourself that it’s okay not to be okay. And being strong doesn’t mean that you have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders.
Allow Yourself to Feel and Express a Full Range of Emotions
And this is important context in a world and society where many of us hold identities that our experiences and the messages we’ve heard about emotions and the way those messages are reinforced by the world around us, communicate to us that not everybody gets to have emotions.
Not everybody has the full access to a full range of emotions and resisting that, resisting those dynamics, it takes work, but a part of practicing self-compassion is recognizing that again, as I’ve opened up this note in this message is that you deserve the same amount of space that you hold for others.
You deserve to be held in those times when you need it. And the same amount of grace that you give to others, you also deserve that grace as well. So yeah, it really is important to remind yourself that it’s okay to not be okay. And that being strong doesn’t mean you have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders.
You are allowed to feel and express a full range of emotions. So don’t forget that.
Journaling
Writing down your thoughts and feelings can be a cathartic, therapeutic way to process emotions and stress. It’s a space where you can be honest about what you’re going through without limitation. It’s a space for you to put your thoughts down.
And there’s a variety of ways to do that now. Some days I’ll have a physical journal just as an example. Other ways you know, there’s lots of apps you can use to put your thoughts down electronically to get those ideas out no matter where you are, whatever is most helpful for you.
It’s important for you to think about ways you can get your thoughts and feelings out and down is really helpful for processing. So that’s an important one, journaling.
Engage in Activities that Foster Connection
Participate in group activities that allow for vulnerability in a safe environment. It could be support groups, it could be workshops, it could be therapeutic activities community, other aspects of experiencing community with others. But activities that foster connection because, being in community with others can provide a sense of belonging and understanding.
Spaces that allow for vulnerability and honesty and not posturing and mask-wearing and those sorts of things.
Educate your Circle
Sometimes people aren’t aware of how to support their strong friend. So sharing articles, books, resources that explain what you’re going through can be one way to help others understand ways to be there for you. It’s also important to take some time to think. Maybe it’s connected to journaling or other activities, but take some time to think about, you know, when I am struggling, what are some things that I find helpful to me during those times?
And to what degrees can I communicate to the folks around me so that they’ll also know how to be supportive.
Regular Check-Ins with Yourself
Make it a habit to regularly assess your emotional and mental health, recognize when you’re starting to feel depleted or overwhelmed and take preemptive steps to address these feelings.
Remember, seeking support and prioritizing your well being is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength.
Acknowledging that you need care just as much as anyone else is crucial for maintaining your mental health and ensuring that you can continue to be there for others in a sustainable way.
So I’ve shared some things to think about from the perspective of if you’re that person who wants to check in on their strong friend, and then also some things to think about from the perspective of being the strong friend, ways to communicate. Ways to think about what it is that you need and letting others in on what those things are.
But it’s not an exhaustive list it’s not complete, and so, having taken in this message, think about what are some things that might be helpful for you that I may have left out here? What are some things that might be missing that you think might be helpful for you or others or that you found helpful for yourself or others? And continue that conversation with folks in your communities.
My hope for all the strong friends out there is that through doing some reflection, through having check-ins, through reaching out for help, and accepting help, my hope for you is that you feel less isolated in this work. My hope is that you’re able to identify friends, family, colleagues, co-conspirators that you can lean on and stay in contact with.
My affirmation to you is that you are enough, that you are more important than the structures and society seek to make you feel, that your work and contributions have meaning, And that there’s room enough for all of us in this work.
If there’s someone out there that maybe you haven’t heard from in a while, that comes into your mind, I encourage you to check on that person or check on those people. You haven’t, reached out in a while, someone that’s been on your mind or someone that may have, just popped into your thoughts while you were listening to this message. I encourage you to reach out in whatever methods you’re able to.
If you, as the strong friend out there find yourself on the receiving end of folks checking in on you or find yourself on the receiving end of questions such as, how are you really doing? I encourage you to really take the time and respond to that question authentically.
You are deserving of the care, the attention, the consideration that you give to others. And I encourage you to be accepting of that when it comes.
So check in on someone today.